i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize