he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
