We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
She bit a glass in half.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
