WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
