how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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