I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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