I think I died a long time ago.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
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