shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My nipple is on Facebook.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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