I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
