Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
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