Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
