Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
