I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
