if i can run in heels then i can drive
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I love you. Go after that dick
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