so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
