I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
