FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
