And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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