you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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