Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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