it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
