Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
