come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
