Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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