it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
