She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
