he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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