I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
