my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
