she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
