Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize