You made me cry and you don't even care
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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