She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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