you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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