Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
