my sisters under your porch take her home
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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