This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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