I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
