Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
