last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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