kristin has been a bad kristin
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
