Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
