Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
