I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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