I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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