Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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