So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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