Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
