i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
