I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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