I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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