Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
