Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
