I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
