I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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