Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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