I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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