i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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