mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
