Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
