dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
