Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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