Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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